Stats and other.

Click to enlarge.
I didn't want to try to summarize these, but I thought the countries of my audience was interesting.

In other news, I've been doing alright since my relapse. I did have one instance on Tuesday night but nothing bad. I've been talking to people and trying to just work through things as opposed to taking them out on myself, so hopefully I'll be free for not just another five years, but life.

x

Relapsed.

It's baaaack.

Tonight I'm really fighting the urge.

Maybe it's because I still talk to my ex, who regularly says and does things seemingly without thinking, but that he knows will upset me, and makes me feel like shit. Maybe it's because work is hell. Maybe it's because I have a massive debt hanging over my head and a very old car that could quit at any minute. Maybe it's because parts of my family are falling apart and even turning on each other. Maybe it's because my college is saying I owe them for classes I already paid for, or that my credit is shit, or that I barely have any close friends (like two), and feel like people are abandoning me and don't care (because they don't act like it.) Or maybe that I can't afford a place to live in and am stuck at home. Maybe it's that nothing ever fucking works out for me.

Or maybe it's just that fighting this is too damn hard and that yes, maybe I would regret it later, but that one cut would make me feel so good for the time being. Maybe it's that I would do it anyways, because I'm sure that I could exercise control and never go too far, too deep, too long, too much, except that I'm terrified of losing control again. Maybe it's that the only person I let down my guard for and honestly and openly could talk about this with, which took such a load off and helped so much, broke my heart, so I don't have that relief anymore. Maybe it's because most nights I have to fight between which will happen first, falling asleep, or crying.

Or maybe it's that if you think about it, would it make a difference? Who would know? No one's keeping tabs. No one's checking in, to make sure I'm still free (free= free of self-harm.) Half of the people in my life never even knew I struggled until I got the ribbon tattoo and posted it on facebook. And some of them still probably don't know despite me being increasingly more open about it.

I used to have so many reasons not to, and the reasons left, or let me down, or broke my heart. My two main reasons now are the tattoo, as a promise not to, and my niece, because I don't want to lose control and end it. I don't want my sister to have to tell her, your Aunt M loved you, but she left, she's not coming back. I adore that little girl so much and she has such an honest innocent heart. I can't take that. She adores me too, and I want to be a huge part of her life. I want her to know that there are people in her life that love her and will be with her as long as they can, because I don't know that about mine.

Every time.

You would think, after being taken advantage of so much, and often by the same people, that I would learn.
You would think, that after so many times of giving, and never getting, because the person gives to everyone but me, that I would learn.
You would think I could stop having feelings for someone that wants nothing to do with me.
You would think that after them making it perfectly clear, my brain could get through to my heart.
You would think I wouldn't be such an idiot.

Well, that's what you get for thinking.