Thanksgiving.

Today is the day to be thankful. I am very thankful for many things. My friends, family, my pets, my education, my material things. I am also grateful
for my recovery and wish you all a graceful one as well.

Also, I know I haven't posted very much in the past few months, I aim to fix that.

Paper Towns

There is a section in the book Paper Towns (John Green) that I really identified with and liked.
Quotations are in quote marks. ... symbolizes breaks between passages that weren't as important.

I have never really thought of him as a person, either. A guy who played in the dirt like me. A guy who fell in love like me. A guy whose strings were broken, who didn't feel the root of his leaf of grass connected the the field, a guy who was cracked. Like me.
...
"I'm not saying that everything is survivable. Just that everything except the last thing is."
...
"When I've thought about him dying, which admittedly isn't all that much I always thought of it like you said, that all the strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe strings break, or maybe or ships sink, or maybe we're grass, our roots so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is still alive. We don't suffer from a shortage of metaphors, i what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you're imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose the grass, you're saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications."
...
"I like the strings. I always have. Because that's how it feels. But the strings make pain seem more fatal than it is, I think. We're not as frail as the strings would make us believe. And I like the grass, too. The grass got me to you, helped me to imagine you as an actual person. But we're not different sprouts from the same plant. I can't be you. You can't be me. You can imagine another well, but never quite perfectly.
Maybe it's more like you said before, all of us being cracked open. LIke, each of us starts out as a watertight vessel. And these things happen, these people leave us, or don't love us, or don't get us, or we don't get them, and we lose and fail and hurt one another. And the vessel starts to crack open in places. And I mean, yeah, once the vessel cracks open, the end becomes inevitable. Once it starts to rain inside the Osprey, it will never be remodeled. But there is all this time between when the cracks start to open up and when we finally fall apart. And it's only in that time that we can see one another, because we see out of ourselves through our cracks and into others through theirs. When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at our window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out."

Sinking.

Everything has me weighed down right now. I feel like there's a fog and I just can't get out of it. (10-13-10)

I'm still feeling some of this, but it isn't constant.
Got dumped.
Failed classes.
Had to move back home.
Fought the urge a lot.
Almost relapsed.
But didn't.
I'm staying strong.
Barely.
But it's getting easier.

Losing

I've been fighting this fight for a really long time. And I've been struggling not to give in. And for the past half week, it's been really really hard. There's not too much keeping me from taking up those old habits. But I haven't.

Things I want.

Hurley pullover
Hurley Anchor Tee

So if anyone wants to buy me something... Hah. =]

I am a sponsor!

So excited!! The girl I'm sponsoring and I are still trying to figure out the finer points kinda a learn by doing thing. This is only the second day, but I'm ecstatic!!

Sponsor Responses

I've actually gotten some good responses since Tuesday night about the sponsorship thing on RYL. I'm pretty excited. I'm really hoping enough people get on board with it for it to actually work.
You can follow the thread here.

tools of the trade.

Scissors. Knives of various sharpness. Nail Clippers. Pieces of glass.
I also used these too. Disposable. Tiny. They come in cds/dvds and have a metal razorlike strip between two foil ones inside the white plastic. Sometimes I was that desperate, that I would use anything.

I think this page nicely details the urge, and also gives information about why and how to beat it.
This page where people who have fallen to self-injury share what methods help them personally to overcome the urge.

I think cutters should have sponsors, just like alcoholics.
[EDIT]
More on the Sponsorship idea. I've posted a couple of threads about it on RYL. I'm hoping to get some responses. I think it could be a great thing. Those interested could exchange emails, websites, or telephone numbers for quick contact when they feel like cutting or any other SI. When they feel the urge, they could contact their sponsor and their sponsor could talk them through it and help them to overcome the urge and to stay strong by offering advice, encouragement, and distractions.

I really hope this takes off.

Wintergirls

This is an amazing book. It focuses mainly on anorexia, but the main character also suffers self-injury. In one of the last few chapters, she gets into an argument with her mother and her mother asks her why she does it. And also tells her, you don't stop because you don't WANT to stop. And that just really got to me. I was infuriated with the way the chapter was while I was reading it. Just the things the mother said. You never understand unless you've been through that. Regardless, It was an amazing book and I would suggest it to anyone.

Recover your life is an excellent forum/chat/website for people who have, and still do, harm themselves.

Layout

There is a layout that I want Here. Annnnd when I download it, upload it to blogger and then use it, It doesn't work. Anyone know how to help me?

How does everyone feel about the Samsungs solstice, strive, and sunburst?

More Blogger Themes

Layouts site. This is the site where the following templates (which are my favorites) can be found.

Colored Pencils Art.
Daisies and Balloons
Art
Woodfence Photographs Clothesline
Pink/Grey Multi-post View
Spring Daisies
Green Scrapbook
Pink Polaroid (Most likely will be my next one)
Meet the Chef
Tired Ballerina
Coffee Clipboard Bird
Old School Retro Blog
Vacation
Bulletin Board Photos
Travelling Filmstrip Pic Envelopes
Night Sky

{EDIT 6-7-10}
Agenda
Photo Coffee Notebook
Fruit Basket Cooking

The rest of the layouts:
Just linking these so I don't lose them. Might use one for this blog. Even though they're all kind of upbeat, and the blog talks about serious things... hmm.
Coffee Desk
Libro
Outdoorsy
Notepad chaos
Scrap Blog
Water color
Desk made-in-spain
Craft blog
Rainbow stripes
Pink skulls/black and white stripes
Pink/Black amour
owls, brown/green
polaroid
brown/rainbow dots
Pink hope hearts
pink/blue birds
pink/blue whoooo do you love owl
Bees

Whoooo Aaaaare Yoooooou?

My profile has had thirty four views, and maybe ten of those are mine, just making sure it edited correctly. Who are you people? Are you reading my blog, too, or just checking out the profile? Stop by, message me, make contact! I'm friendly, I promise!! In any case, don't be afraid to say hello, ask questions, give your own input and share your own experiences. Even if it's criticism, get it out there! I'm reasonable, I'd love to hear what you think.

I very much dislike when people put you on and end up being completely different. Well, it's not such a bad thing unless the person they turn out to be isn't a decent person. And then They seem to be cool and then they get angry when they change themselves and somehow you just didn't get that memo. Well I'm sorry sir, but you used to be able to take a joke, a comment, a compliment. And then they post violent angry hateful status on facebook of all places, calling you out on it. Then of course their friends have to comment on the status, blowing it up more, when they don't know what was said or who said it, and of course they call you out too with snide nasty comments. But hold the phone! Then you get a text saying, I didn't mean for it to go this far! Maybe you should have considered the outcomes of your actions first. SIGH.

I've had a dream just last night. And it's left me very confused. I think it's probably mostly just due to stress and things that have crossed my mind a lot recently, but it made me think. In the dream I had to choose between two polar opposites, one I had had for a long time, and the other that burst into my life causing disruption, intrigue, and excitement. Now, there's nothing like that happening in my life currently, but it makes me wonder...it was so real, every detail...is it a sign of things to come? Of course I woke up before I could decide. Even now, four hours later, I feel like I'm still in that dream, still having to choose one, as if I need to finish this. Maybe next time.

Etsy

So, I have been on etsy. Here are some things I want.

panda ipod
tea cozy
raindrop pouch
cupcake coinpurse
rainbow birds coinpurse
camera brooch
hedghogs pouch
tapes pouch
camera ringred cam neck
double cam locket
cam girl neck
steampunk cosmic watch camera
changeable locket
camera love

That's all for now. I've closed my Etsy tab, I'm logging off.

Although I could look all night =]

Contact info.

This WAS a formspring post. However, I took it out to make a post for all of my contact information.

MSN. irockthecons@hotmail.com

YAHOO. peacelovevegetables

I also have Skype, AIM, and iChat. And also Facebook and Myspace. I find that MSN and yahoo are the two most common ones, so ask if you'd like the others.

Pictures are worth a thousand words.

This is how bad it can get. Scary, isn't it?


Just a few different bubble maps looking at the subject.

Fresh cuts. Scarier than the first.

This isn't even as bad as the scars can be, and it's pretty bad.

Just thought I'd enlighten a little bit.

Also, on a side note, these are not my pictures, I googled them. Especially the fresh cuts one. That person needs help, and did I know her, I'd try to give it. Just wanted to educate a little.

Little Ditties

(These are just some little starts to blogs that I never really finished, and don't feel need finishing. Short and sweet, ya know?)

In my opinion, everyone has the potential to be a cutter, burner, or whatever-er. Some just don't deal with stress and pressure near as well as others and so, we injure ourselves. We aren't strong enough to keep ourselves safe from ourselves.

They say it's either easy to stop, or something you'll never outgrow. I disagree. It's neither--it's the single most difficult thing you will ever do, aside from fight the urge to do it again, which sort of ties in with the second point--outgrowing it. It's not that you NEVER outgrow it, it's just more of a realization that you need to stop. For me, it was a boy. Not one I had a huge crush on, just a really good friend who knew the situation and cared enough to stay by me and help me see that what I was doing was dangerous and that eventually, I would go too deep, too far, bleed too much, and have too little left to live.

(And finally, the smallest:)

You never know how addicting something is until you try it.

Well, Hello there..

I haven't been the best about updating. This I know. Usually what I do is while I'm at work or school, and it's a slow night with little to no customers, or I'm not paying attention to the teacher, is I will just write what I want to talk about, or just write out the actual posts. But then when I get home, or go on my breaks at school, I either lose those papers or forget about posting.
I'm going to start putting them up in the next few weeks, and consequently, writing MORE of them, but here is the most recent one. (They don't necessarily have to go in order, since the subjects of them are all about cutting, and all sporadic.)

Sometimes I can't stop feeling the way I used to--like cutting is the only way out. Like nothing and no one can help me. Of course, I haven't resorted to it yet. my sister, my niece, my mom and grams, and the tattoo I got symbolizing my struggle to overcome self-injury on my own are all factors keeping me from doing it again. Oh yeah, and also a little bit of common sense telling me it won't help and after I do it I'll just feel shame, not relief.
The boyfriend keeps me from it sometimes, but other times he's the one almost making me want to. And I know, I know, why be with someone like that, it's bad for your health, bad for your recovery, blah blah. But I really do thing it's just my brain's first reaction, not him. Like, it was ingrained in my memory for so long that I still get those urges when things get...screwy. Obviously I know it's the wrong thing to do, so I don't.
But, like alcoholism, or eating disorders, it IS an addiction. People who do this, we need help, we need understanding and compassion. I'm one of what is probably very few who overcame it with no medicine, no doctors, no professional help. And it was indredibly difficult.
maybe when I have more money, I'll go talk to a professional counselor, but for now I just have the blogosphere. How lucky am I.

Escape.

Even if you stop, even if you haven't cut for years, the urge is still there. Maybe not all the time, maybe not actively or consciously, but it's always in some back corner of your mind, hiding from other thoughts, waiting. The second you become too upset, or too angry, too much to control, and the urge is there, coming back to press you against its chest, holding you, wanting you to stay.
If you're lucky, you come to your senses. After all, why would anyone willingly hurt themselves (hah)? If not, obviously, you'll succumb. Whether to the worst kind of self-mutilation, the kind that leaves scars, or maybe just pinching yourself. Some people will punch themselves really hard. Others pull their hair out. Whether or not it leaves an aftermark, it still hurts, and it's still not good.

I suppose probably I should have mentioned some things before just delving right into such serious subjects. I am:
♦20.
♦vegetarian.
♦a college student.
♦thin and short (ish).
♦employed on-call by a well-known department store.
♦still recovering (it is an ever-lasting process, from the point where you stop til the end).

That's all I'd care for you to know, now. But continue reading and you'll know more than some of my closest friends do.

Breast Cancer Merch

Just linking these so I remember that I want them =]

Unitarian Universalist Congregation

Sisters rings

Ribbon magnets

Cellphone holders

People wonder, ya know?

They ask, "Why?" The thing is, if we even know, there's no way we can describe it. NO. WAY. It's not something you can just put into words like, "I was bored" or, "I just had a feeling I should." And just like that, it's not as easy to stop. It's not quite an addiction; it's as though some ONE, or some THING is standing next to you, about to strike, to kill, and the only way out is to beat it to the punch. It's like a monster in your face, or chasing after you, a fire raging out of control, and this is your emergency exit. People question the sanity of it, but if you're in too deep you might not even remember doing it. One minute you're fine, and then you'll have a fit, and then minutes, days, maybe even a week or two later and you notice the cuts, or a month passes and you see a few different white lines than you did before.
They don't understand it. They want to, but they can't. Or maybe some don't want to. Some feel sorry, concerned, want to fix it, fix YOU. Some are scared. They threaten, gossip, talk away their fears until the whispers reach your own ears and penetrate so far deep into your brain that you can't even tell what's real; their truth, or your own. Maybe it's all a lie and NOTHING is wrong. Or MAYBE, so much is wrong, and you can't find the words to express it, so you bury reality so deep that you forget.

They say you never forget your first time. Well, it's true of more than just sex. You also never forget your first cut. I won't forget my first cut. I remember where I was, what I used, what season it was, and what set me off so crazy. I remember how it felt, before, during, after. I know even where I was sitting, and what the room looked like to the detail. Some things, you try once and never go back to it. Other things you try, and never come away from. Cutting is almost 99% the latter.