You know what they say.

You can't help those who don't want help.
Everything happens for a reason.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Well I think all of that is a load of bullshit.

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I'm NOT that independent. I need someone to hold me and tell me it's okay. I need someone to make the badness go away, or to dull it. I can't do this by myself. I can't pretend. I don't know how to fix these broken things. I want people to be happy. I want things to be okay and maybe a little easier. I want to help he people I care about. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to have to worry. I want the people I love to be alright. I don't want them to be hurt. I don't want to lose them. I am helpless.

Stats and other.

Click to enlarge.
I didn't want to try to summarize these, but I thought the countries of my audience was interesting.

In other news, I've been doing alright since my relapse. I did have one instance on Tuesday night but nothing bad. I've been talking to people and trying to just work through things as opposed to taking them out on myself, so hopefully I'll be free for not just another five years, but life.

x

Relapsed.

It's baaaack.

Tonight I'm really fighting the urge.

Maybe it's because I still talk to my ex, who regularly says and does things seemingly without thinking, but that he knows will upset me, and makes me feel like shit. Maybe it's because work is hell. Maybe it's because I have a massive debt hanging over my head and a very old car that could quit at any minute. Maybe it's because parts of my family are falling apart and even turning on each other. Maybe it's because my college is saying I owe them for classes I already paid for, or that my credit is shit, or that I barely have any close friends (like two), and feel like people are abandoning me and don't care (because they don't act like it.) Or maybe that I can't afford a place to live in and am stuck at home. Maybe it's that nothing ever fucking works out for me.

Or maybe it's just that fighting this is too damn hard and that yes, maybe I would regret it later, but that one cut would make me feel so good for the time being. Maybe it's that I would do it anyways, because I'm sure that I could exercise control and never go too far, too deep, too long, too much, except that I'm terrified of losing control again. Maybe it's that the only person I let down my guard for and honestly and openly could talk about this with, which took such a load off and helped so much, broke my heart, so I don't have that relief anymore. Maybe it's because most nights I have to fight between which will happen first, falling asleep, or crying.

Or maybe it's that if you think about it, would it make a difference? Who would know? No one's keeping tabs. No one's checking in, to make sure I'm still free (free= free of self-harm.) Half of the people in my life never even knew I struggled until I got the ribbon tattoo and posted it on facebook. And some of them still probably don't know despite me being increasingly more open about it.

I used to have so many reasons not to, and the reasons left, or let me down, or broke my heart. My two main reasons now are the tattoo, as a promise not to, and my niece, because I don't want to lose control and end it. I don't want my sister to have to tell her, your Aunt M loved you, but she left, she's not coming back. I adore that little girl so much and she has such an honest innocent heart. I can't take that. She adores me too, and I want to be a huge part of her life. I want her to know that there are people in her life that love her and will be with her as long as they can, because I don't know that about mine.

Every time.

You would think, after being taken advantage of so much, and often by the same people, that I would learn.
You would think, that after so many times of giving, and never getting, because the person gives to everyone but me, that I would learn.
You would think I could stop having feelings for someone that wants nothing to do with me.
You would think that after them making it perfectly clear, my brain could get through to my heart.
You would think I wouldn't be such an idiot.

Well, that's what you get for thinking.

Punctuation has no place here.

It's late, and I can't sleep.
I'm thinking of you.
The next time
(there's always a next time)
I promise
to myself, to no one
not to let it get me.
But it will, like always.
You're my route 66
and I'll get my kicks
all up and down
the roadmap that is your body.
Try to hold on to the feeling
of feeling loved
or liked.
I might get an arm
platonically wrapped around me
in the middle of a big bed on a dark night.
But you'll get all of me,
even the parts you don't want.
I might yearn some day for another
but for now
you're it.
You make it hard to move on from you
when I make it hard by moving on you.
And I know there are a million places
faces I could see, with me, not you.
I've tried a time or two.
But it's never the same.
It will never be more than this
with us
but I can't tear myself away
just yet.
I know it never will measure up
even slightly, to expectations.
But somehow, for now, this is enough.
And when it starts to get unbearable again
I'll just make that trip
for another day and a half
to fix me
for another week or two.

A spade's a spade.

It really amazes me how many people refuse to call a spade a spade. No matter how much glitter you dump on bullshit, it's still just that. Let's try this:
A spade is a spade.
A tree is a tree.
The sky is blue.
You put food on dishes.

NOT SO FUCKING HARD. (Excuse the language. No, wait, don't.)

So let's just also say a friend is a friend, not just a piece of ass, and not someone you can screw with, or just screw. You have to actually treat a friend like a friend. You can't tell someone who is essentially only your fuck-buddy that you're really great friends just so that you don't feel like a prick, especially if you're not gonna treat them like a friend. Although I guess you can expect that from someone who said they could have sex with someone and not have feelings for them, and that after you dump someone and break their heart you can still have sex with them. Grow the fuck up.

Stats.

REFERRING SITES
www.google.co.in (2)
www.google.fr (2)
www.google.ca (1)
www.google.com.au (1)

Two people from India, two from France, one from Canada, and one from Australia are reading my blog? Cool! Say hello!

Also, someone found my blog by searching otterpopdisco. Odd.

It's so hard getting used to lonely.

If you're going to be weak enough to wreak havoc on my life, I'm going to be strong enough to keep you out of it. I am saying, enough, because I have people in my life that love me and support me and are honest to and about me. I don't need people in my life that are anything less. And I may like, or even love those people that are causing me grief, but I am working on weeding them out. And it may hurt, it may really really SUCK to lose those friendships, but If they're weak...I'm strong.

I really ought to see the signs and be used to this sort of thing now, but hey, I guess some people are too dumb to learn from their mistakes. Silly me... But this is my happy. And this is you. Do you see the distinct line between the two? No? Well then maybe you should look again, jackass. You will not interfere.

I can only give so many chances to so many people, only have my heart broken, my body used, so many times. I will everyone a chance, because everyone deserves at least one. I will give most a second, because everyone makes mistakes and most are forgivable or forgettable. But how many second chances can I give you? You don't get fifty, or one hundred, or ten thousand chances. And I try, I try so hard to stop this end cycle of give and take and use and waste and give give give always giving more. And I want you, and sometimes need you, need what you could give, what you could do, and I can't have you or any of that.

It's so hard getting used to lonely.

Love.

Love is patient, it is kind, it is fast, and it is blind. It ensnares and it binds, it lasts a moment or all of time. You have it once or maybe twice, you might have it your whole life. You want it to be yours, theirs, mine...

There are a million things you can say about love. Everyone wants to experience it, and everyone does, at some point, for something. Love for a family member, a friend, a mate, a pet, a calling, an object. We all love so many people and so many people and so many things throughout our lives. Sometimes we get lucky and the people, or things, we love love us back. Sometimes we aren't so lucky. Or sometimes we're picky, finicky, fickle, and don't want the love that is shown to us.

Love knows NO boundaries of age, religion, race, or gender. Love just IS.

I really have no idea where this post was going. I guess I just wanted to remark on what is obvious about a common subject. I've been meaning to blog more here, but I've also been busy trying to get my other blog, Hotel Hell, off the ground. It's been more difficult than this one. The aspects of getting it set up (naming, design, promotion [which is a slow incline]) are fairly easy to tackle once I've got a plan, but add in two other authors, and things can get tricky. We've not run in to any disagreements on anything so far, which is good. But, as the main developer, I need to run everything by the other two people and get their okay before doing anything. (Well okay, I don't HAVE to, but I WANT to out of common courtesy.) Not to mention the management of a blog, if you're serious about it, depends a lot on feedback, and we just don't get any from readers. I don't here either.

This is turning into an all sorts of things ramble, so I'm going to cut it short.

That girl.

I have always prided myself on my individuality, my ability to not conform no matter what others think of me, to not CARE what others think and be able to just be who I wanted to be.
Somewhere, somehow, that changed.
And I don't know why, or how.
But somewhere along the lines, I wanted to be THAT girl.
The one that boys like.
The one that is brave. And strong. And carefree.
The one that isn't afraid to steal a kiss from a crush, that takes in EVERYTHING around her, but doesn't give everything away.
The one that has no regrets.
The one that people love to love, hate to hate, and want to be around.
The pretty one that doesn't have to try.
The smart one that actually applies herself.
I act like I'm that girl.
But underneath, I'm not.

And maybe this is why I first started cutting. And the time I started was when I realized it. And I cut for my imperfections. I cut to get better. I cut to make myself lovable, likable, tolerable. I cut to be better. And then I realized that cutting was making it worse. So I stopped. Stopped cutting to fix my looks, my brain, my relationships, my heart. But when I stopped, all the things that were wrong were still there.

I don't know how to un-break the broken things.

Texting and Driving.

DON'T TURN AWAY FROM THIS POST AND VIDEO. Don't think you've heard it all before, don't think yeah yeah I know.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1834379662196&oid=155360057819436&comments

I suggest EVERYONE watch this whether you text, drive, or text and drive, or don't do any of those. I honestly cried while watching this.

I text and drive.
I pretend that I care.
But I don't, not enough.
You do too, admit it.
We all need to stop.

Happiness!

My sister is engaged! ♥

Believe.

I believe in many things. I believe in love. I believe in being honest and faithful. I believe in working hard for what you want, and not taking advantage of people. I believe everyone has something that makes them beautiful. I believe that you cannot live without music or laughter, and that blood really is thicker than water. I believe in doing what you love with the people you love.

I believe.

RYL chat V (last segment)

MissKat88: I am le stressed
Laura1 left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
mew90 MissKat88 = awesome for using le ______
MissKat88: Merci
mew90 de rien
WorkmeOut: Yes Mew90 That's fine I have No problems with that :)
usnw0911 joined the room.
kcrace91 joined the room.
MissKat88: Oo la la mew
Bubblegoth joined the room.
mew90 haha
mew90 =]
MissKat88: ;)
kcrace91 left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
fourinone left the room. (Logged out)
Grrr....: So much language thats not english.... my brain hurts...
MissKat88: It's suppose ot be winking?
mew90 It looks like it
mew90 HAHA Grrr =D
ainomitama left the room. (Going to 1. Completely General)
Bubblegoth: hello
WorkmeOut: Has fourinone left? Sorry I was away from the laptop
Grrr....: its like the math conversation all over again...
Grrr....: WorkmeOut: yes.
WorkmeOut: Hello bubblegoth and Misskat88
MissKat88: Sorry
MissKat88: Thank you workmeout
WorkmeOut: Ah thanks You Grr....
usnw0911: hello everyone
WorkmeOut: Grrr.....*
WorkmeOut: Hi Usnw0911
Grrr....: MissKat88: its fine... I'm just complaining again... dont mind me...
WorkmeOut: No problem MissKat88. How are you?
MissKat88: But I want to mind you
mew90 =D
mew90 OH GOD THE MATHS CONVO >.<
kcrace91 joined the room.
Grrr....: Btw people, if its easier, feel free to leave the dots off of my username when you talk to me... you can drop an r if you'd like too....
Amaryllis joined the room.
MissKat88 left the room. (Logged out)
WorkmeOut: I am very lost.. A few minutes away and Gone.
Grrr....: Hi Ama.
Amaryllis: Hello
WorkmeOut: Thanks Grrr :)
mew90 Now see when I think Grrr.... I think GIR from invader zim
WorkmeOut: Hi Amaryllis
Grrr....: mew90: People always say that...
Amaryllis: I don't.
Amaryllis: I think of a t-rex
mew90 NOT a bad think though!
RisingFromTheAshes12 joined the room.
Grrr....: Hi Rising.
rainrugger left the room. (Going to 2. Mostly General)
RisingFromTheAshes12: hiya
RisingFromTheAshes12: ama <3
Siempre_Smile joined the room.
Siempre_Smile: Hey
Laura1 joined the room.
usnw0911: hi
WorkmeOut: Hey to all Who Joined.
Siempre_Smile: How is everyone?
usnw0911: ok, you?
Amaryllis: Heather
Siempre_Smile: usnw0911: Not so well, but trying to stay distracted.
Amaryllis: I feel sad and bored.
Amaryllis: Any movie suggestions?
mew90 500 days of summer is a good one
mew90 It's one of my own faves at least
usnw0911: i like watching some of the good kid/aminated movies when im bored
Zankou joined the room.
Zankou left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
Grrr....: mew90: I wanted to see that movie, but I didnt get the chance to.
Zankou joined the room.
Siempre_Smile: If anyone needs to talk, PM me
RisingFromTheAshes12: watch daily showw lol
rainrugger joined the room.
mew90 Gir: IT IS AMAZING <3
WorkmeOut: Where abouts in the world are some of you from?
mew90 USA! WooO! Indiana, land of corn.
usnw0911: Flordia, but Im from Texas
kcrace91: USA!here to in FL and i want to go back to new jersey
kcrace91: im from new jersey live in fl for 8 years
RisingFromTheAshes12: noooo you dont
Zankou: California
Grrr....: I'm an American.....
Siempre_Smile left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
kcrace91: nooo who dont me
WorkmeOut: WOW USA! I'm from a rather boring and wet UK!
RisingFromTheAshes12: >.< we have snow up to knees... and its not even close to being done
usnw0911: I wanna go to the UK Ill trade
RisingFromTheAshes12: and i have to walk to uni in it tomorrow. shoot me >.>
Grrr....: I want to go to the UK too.
Bubblegoth left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
WorkmeOut: Please do! Risingfromtheashes, haha We had snow. We thought was so bad.. Stand still!
kcrace91: RisingFromTheAshes12: YEA I MISS THE SNOW.... i want snow i have not saw snow lats time i saw it was in 07
kcrace91: all the usa but fl got snow
mew90 HATE. SNOW.
usnw0911: Im happy in fl without snow
WorkmeOut: No.. No one want's the UK..
Zankou: i wish it snowed here
Grrr....: Snow is cold, and gross...
Laura1: I want snow but i think its over here for us now
kcrace91: yea fl is cold to but i miss snow lol
usnw0911: no snow, no cold... im in northern fl and i want to go to the keys... i want to be warm
kcrace91: there is alot of people from USA now u usle only saw a few from USA lol
mew90 Well this is where I sign out.
Grrr....: Bye Mew... Take care.
Amaryllis: I love snow
mew90 Gotta sleep up for 8th tattooo tomorrrrrooow =D
usnw0911: bye mew
WorkmeOut: Goodnight Mew90. Take care
Amaryllis: I wish I could move where there is more of it
mew90 And I promise I'm NOT getting it because I'm upset, grrr!
kcrace91: bye mew
RisingFromTheAshes12: i like it if im inside and not walking
Grrr....: Have fun getting your tattoo Mew.... and Yey! Take care.
RisingFromTheAshes12: lol
mew90 goodnight all, stay safe

RYL chat IV

Sorry guys, I know this is like excessively long. That's why I'm doing it in segments, and trying to break it up as the conversation switches topics, so you can read part and come back. Stick with me, and I promise I'll get back to posting about myself (haha).


Tex. joined the room.
Grrr....: Hi Tex.
Tex.: hey
Grrr....: How are you today>
WorkmeOut joined the room.
Grrr....: ?*
Tex.: ehh
Tex.: you?
mew90 Hi workmeout
WorkmeOut: Hi Mew90
mew90 how are you?
Grrr....: I'm not the greatest, but I'll get over it... whats going on tex?
WorkmeOut: Im Ok, always worst. Been better, how about you??
fourinone joined the room.
mew90 I'm doing alright, whats up?
fourinone: sigh
brokeninsilence joined the room.
Kayakov joined the room.
LemonTangWang joined the room.
mew90 (not trying to exclude anyone here just thought I'd greet workmeout since no one had)
LemonTangWang left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
Grrr....: Hey Eli.
mew90 Hello to fourinone, broken, kayakov, and lemon
Raizoriantkist left the room. (Logged out)
Kayakov: Shooorty
fourinone: i cut :(
Kayakov: I'm watching a hot gayboy movie that just turned into a sad gayboy movie. :/
WorkmeOut: Thanks mew90... I just like to ask, Anyone had such a guilty conscience, that it affects everything you do?
mew90 fourinone: what made you want to SH?
Grrr....: fourinone: oh... thats not good.... but slipping up is a part of recovery, you just have to pick yourself up, and brush yourself off... (thats a metaphor)
mew90 WorkmeOut: like, stop you from doing things, or just make you more cautious in doing them?
fourinone: i feel like a hypocrite
mew90 fourinone: how so?
Kayakov left the room. (Going to 2. Mostly General)
fourinone: i made my own support site where i tell others not to cut and that ab*se isnt there fault but i blame myself and cut
WorkmeOut: Well, that it completely takes over your thoughts. It's creeping up so slowly. It came to a holt last year, when I was sectioned. I got Put on meds, everything went calm for a short while and bang, its back in my face. I'm just not really sure of the best solution, I have other things, i need to deal with, however This is just completely blocking things.
mew90 fourinone: It sounds like you can look at the logical side of it but just have trouble applying it to yourself
Grrr....: fourinone: i agree with mew..
WorkmeOut: Fourinone, I always find its easier to say that to other. But a lot harder to apply that to yourself.
mew90 WorkmeOut: Do you think if you went back on meds, or, the less drastic solution, talked to someone about it, it could help you work past it?
fourinone: fuc k
mew90 Agreed to workmeout. It's always harder to fix it when you're the one having to apply it. It's easier to tell someone else because you know the solution but don't have to work on it
Tex. left the room. (Logged out)
fourinone: it hurts
mew90 -----> non related question. I'd like to post this chat on my blog about SH because it has a lot of good points, tips, and issues. Is there anyone who would object to that and if so, if I only used the first letter or two of your username, would THAT be alright? if not I can edit out those parts
brokeninsilence left the room. (Logged out)
WorkmeOut: I'v been On meds for about 3 years now, the meds I am on now. They blocked every emotion for a while. I have BPD? So these med's are mainly for this. My S/W- Know's nothing about this Guilt. They constantly kept asking last year 'Has something happened this year, something significant' and I just couldn't tell them. I think talking to someone would help. But would this be maybe a counsellor or would My social worker be able to help me with this.. I think It's quite a trigger for my Self harm this year and last..
Grrr....: I have no issues with you posting this chat on your blog.
mew90 Grrr....: Thanks you!
kcrace91 joined the room.
kcrace91 left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
WorkmeOut: Fourinone - What Hurts? The SH?
mew90 fourinone: I know it's really difficult to stop, but you get to the point where your cutting makes you feel worse, not better, and you have to work yourself out of it or it will be an endless circle
mew90 ----> Interjection for blog; I reference this waaay up above in the chat while talking to Grrr.... about my own issues
WorkmeOut: Fourinone are You seeing anyone (MH professional) that May be able to help you break the cycle?
fourinone: i have a therapist
fourinone: she wants me to talk about my flashbacks out loud, its too hard
Grrr....: fourinone: have you told her that its too hard?
WorkmeOut: That's good you have a therapist. You should tell your therapist, it's hard for you.
WorkmeOut: He or she will go at your pace.
fourinone: she knows
fourinone: but she keeps pushing me
fourinone: its been a year since she found out about what mom did
Grrr....: fourinone: have you tried talking about the flashbacks with your therapist? or did you just assume its too hard?
rainrugger joined the room.
WorkmeOut: You need to make it clear to her, that Your willing to work through this. But at a slower pace maybe? I'm no expert, but if your not ready then your not ready. I'd seen my old Therapist when I was in the Psychiatric unit, And I said 'Im sorry I didn't try' Her response was 'You weren't ready then, You really were not ready'and a lot of my trouble happened about 8 years ago.... Perhaps its a little too soon for you??
Scrabble. joined the room.
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fourinone: ive tried
mew90 Just don't get into the mindset that you'll never be ready and be willing to eventually work through it
WorkmeOut: You've tried to tell them? Or you've tried to work through it already?
fourinone: both
mew90 Have you considered taking your patient history/files and switching to a different therapist that can help you work through your problems, but not push you too hard? Maybe one that will move slower, but not stop the progress altogether?
WorkmeOut: Maybe a little slower then. You must never stop trying. Even if its the smallest of steps. Every step is Big progress.
mew90 WorkmeOut: agreed
mew90 Any progress, whether over months or years, however fast or slow, is still a step in the right direction, the important thin is to not give up and to keep working towards it
fourinone: i have problems trusting people, its amazing i trust her as much as i do
WorkmeOut: Definitely. It might not seem like it now, but one day - You'll be at a point in life where You will be able to work through. .
fourinone: she is the only adult who knows about my mpd
WorkmeOut: So trusting, that's a start yeah? A step in the right direction?
mew90 what's mpd? Sorry, still learning all the abbreviations
Grrr....: Multiple Personality Disorder?
fourinone: yeah
WorkmeOut: I just had to google that too.
WorkmeOut: Ok. So I'm guessing this has been diagnosed By a Professional yes?
Grrr....: I didnt google it.... I've heard about it, but its usually called DID (Dissociative Identity Disordre) now....
Grrr....: disorder**
fourinone: im working on a support site i made
fourinone: yes my therapist diagnosed it
fourinone: shes met my alters
WorkmeOut: No No, sorry I didn't mean you'd googled it.. I meant i Had to google, didn't know like Mew90. Sorry
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Grrr....: WorkmeOut: oh.. okay.. sorry.. my fault.. I misunderstood.
WorkmeOut: Ok. Well Can I tell You what My Social worker told me. Just as an example. We're going to work on the BPD, before we start going into My past experiences. She's going to help me understand more, the way I am, the things I may do. Has your therapist done this with you? Do You Understand MPD, Why You have been diagnosed with this?
WorkmeOut: No Problem Grrr... :)
fourinone: my mom s*xually ab*sed me daily unitl my body was 15
mew90 (bpd...bipolar disorder?)
fourinone: borderline
Zankou joined the room.
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rainrugger left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
WorkmeOut: Sorry, Borderline Personality..
keladry joined the room.
Grrr....: yeah... the abbreviation bpd always makes me wonder too, cuz technecally it could be either... so.. yeah....
keladry left the room. (Going to 2. Mostly General)
ainomitama joined the room.
ainomitama: hi
WorkmeOut: Hi ainomitama
MissKat88 joined the room.
ainomitama: hey
WorkmeOut: Grrr.... Yeah Whenever I'm looking for Info, typing in BPD - always brings up Bipolar.
ainomitama: how are you?
MissKat88: hey
fourinone: im gonna try and sleep

RYL chat III

tinamarie joined the room.
tinamarie: :((
Grrr....: Hi Tina.
tinamarie: hi
Grrr....: how are you?
lilmissjay: now i know how my bf feels when i tell him my problems... :/
alligator13 left the room. (Logged out)
lilmissjay: sorry, random
tinamarie: im planing on ways to die]
Grrr....: tinamarie: why?
tinamarie: david used me forced me to do things i didn want and just left i loved him but he disconectec his ponh numbr i cant live wih out him
OtterPopDisco left the room. (Logged out)
Tex. left the room. (Logged out)
sari left the room. (Going to 2. Mostly General)
Grrr....: tinamarie: I'm sorry he forced you to do thingd that you didnt want to do, and if he did that why do you love him? and you were alive before you met him most likely, so I think if you have the will to, you can live without him.
Grrr....: things*
tinamarie: idk i should go
Grrr....: why should you go?
tinamarie: cause u cant handel tis
Grrr....: because I cant handle this? or because you cant? I think the second one.
tinamarie: im ment i cant cant
Grrr....: okay, I thought so... well, maybe talking will help?
mew90 Grrr....: tinamarie: Sometimes you love people that are bad for you. Even if you DO know you shouldn't, you can't just change your feelings overnight
lilmissjay left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
Grrr.... I know this, but I'm trying to get her to rationalize a bit, in hopes that she'll decide she doesnt want to kill herself over the fact that someone shut their phone off..
tinamarie: ok iea lly got to go now to watch tv
tinamarie left the room. (Logged out)
Grrr.... Gotcha. I was gonna go more into it that you still need to work on it buuut she left =[
Grrr.... yeah, I didnt really think she'd stick around long, she'll probably come back tho...
Grrr.... left the room. (Going to 3. Mostly Serious)
Grrr.... joined the room.
Grrr....: so... how are you today Mew?
mew90 pretty good
mew90 It's a good day
Grrr....: Thats good.
mew90 last night wasn't so swell but it happens
Grrr....: oh.. Yeah, I understand that..
mew90 WOW room emptied out haha
mew90 mmm well I'm pretty much at the point where, when I want to cut, I know it'll give BRIEF satisfaction, but I'll feel like crap after
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mew90 and I know I'll hate myself more if I DO, and that that could cause a never ending circle of cut-hate myself-cut because I hate myself-cut again
Grrr....: Yeah, it did empty out... and I understand that too..
mew90 In some cases I feel almost fraudulent for saying I'm "free" when I know I still have the urge and have to fight it so hard
OtterPopDisco: hey
mew90 the whole reason I came to RYL was because I knew I was struggling, and If I had a truly bad moment I wanted support
mew90 OtterPopDisco: hi
Grrr....: well, the urging is part of the addiction, and I dont think its something that ever really goes away completely... and its good that you decided to use RYL as a support system...
Grrr....: OtterPopDisco: Hi.
mew90 I don't want to monopolize the conversation, Otter, join in or change subject if you want
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Maha_Papaha: hi
Grrr....: Maha_Papaha: Hi.
Maha_Papaha: I don't feel very well, like I'm not really alive, I feel stale
Grrr....: Maha_Papaha: do you know why you feel like this?
Maha_Papaha: I'm constently battling myself and being fake with people, I focus on things that wont make me happy, I feel grey
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Grrr....: Maha_Papaha: So try to be less fake with people and to focus on things that will make you happy?
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Maha_Papaha: not to sound overly "emo teenager living in the suburbs" - I dont even know how to be truly happy
Grrr....: well, I guess it just starts with little things...
Grrr....: doing things that make you not unhappy.
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Maha_Papaha: eating makes me very unhappy but so does being hospitilized so its kind of a loose loose
Grrr....: well eating is something that you must do...
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Raizoriantkist: Guys...
Grrr....: Maha_Papaha: maybe you could try to make it better by finding something you like taste wise, and eating it?
Grrr....: Raizoriantkist: Hi.
Raizoriantkist: I wanna cut...
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Grrr....: Raizoriantkist: Why?
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Raizoriantkist: Grrr....: My boyfriends dad kicked him out today. He might have to move back to Portland because he has his brother for now, but he can't stay if he can't find a job to provide for himself. I love him. So much. I don't want him to leave. I'm failing classes. My parents yell at me for nothing. I think they hate me. :/
Grrr....: I'm sure your parents dont hate you, they just want you to do well. and If he cant find a job, and has to move its not like you cant date him anymore, and its better that he go somewhere where he can have a home, instead of not having a place to live and staying where he is.
Raizoriantkist: Grrr....: Oregon----Wisconsin. How does that work? :/
Grrr....: Raizoriantkist: lots of people have long distance relationships... talk to him over the phone, and over the computer and stuff like that, and see if that when either of you has the money to if you can visit each other.
mew90 Long distance CAN work. It can be difficult sometimes but if both people are willing to pursue it and make it work, then it can last.

RYL chat II

This has been about a 20, 30 minute chat as of a few minutes ago on RYL.
Mew90 is me. G and S respectively are different people.

mew90 what are the thoughts in here, of tattoos as a form of SH?
s: mmm
s: interesting
G: I think its quite possible, but not as the only form used to SH....
G: replace form with method and that makes more sense.
s: i think its possible but most people get tatoos because they liek them, not to self harm
mew90 Well
mew90 let me explain this
mew90 (sorry if this triggers)
mew90 I used to cut
mew90 like a lot
mew90 all over
mew90 and I've been free for about 3 years, which is more or less when I started getting tattoos
mew90 not to consciously replace it
s: mew have you talked to a therapist about it?
G: well, what is it that you enjoy about tattoos, mainly the pain or mainly the art?
mew90 No
mew90 Well
s: excellent question G
mew90 Most of the ones I've gotten have been because they MEAN something to me, or to sybolize something
mew90 symbolize*
mew90 and the two that I've gotten that don't mean anything I just got because I really like them
G: so you enjoy it mainly for the art?
mew90 Yes
mew90 but also, when I get them, I don;t mind the pain
mew90 and one of my mother's friends thinks I'm addicted to it and using it as a replacement
mew90 When really I just love tattoos, and love getting them, and have a lot I WANT to get
mew90 I have seven, getting number 8 tomorrow
G: I dont think it counts as SH then.. I'm the same with piercings.. I love having my ears pierced, and I love having the piercings and I just love it, but I also dont mind the pain...
mew90 and the 7th was the largest and the reason I got it was because I was upset
mew90 I had been wanting to get it done for a while
mew90 but I was really depressed
mew90 and I knew I couldn't cut
s: honestly mew, i dont hink you use them as a replacement emotionally speaking, but you could talk to a therapist just in case
mew90 so I got the tattoo
mew90 I know I don't do it as a replacement ALL the time
mew90 but I wonder if I do sometimes?
G: mew90: well, that one may have been an SH related thing... so maybe you should avoid getting tattoos when you are upset...
mew90 I had done that with a piercing once too
mew90 actually twice
mew90 I had been really upset and was like f it
s: if the pain you feel when getting the tatoo makes you forget about the emotional pain
s: then...
mew90 well it does kinda
s: you are using it as a replacement
mew90 like I don't get one everytime I want to cut
mew90 and not every piercing or tat I've gotten has been because I wanted to
mew90 I know the most recent one was
G: but sometimes you do, so on occasion you are using it as a replacement, so maybe next time you are upset, you should avoid getting the piercing or tattoo at that moment, and plan on doing it at a later date, sometimes even just having a plan to do something at a later date makes things seem a bit better...
s: mew i think its high time you talked to your therapist about it
mew90 Don't have one
s: mmmm
mew90 but even if I don't get them because I want to cut, while I'm getting them, It kind of does help me forget whatever is happening
mew90 whether good or bad
s: you need to work on better ways of coping with your emotional pain
G: mew90: Im not saying completely and totally drop piercings and tattoos, but if you are feeling upset, and like you want to cut, or anything like that, try not to go out and get a tattoo or piercing at that time...

Thought this was an interesting topic, would like to branch out more on it. If anyone has any opinions or experiences feel free to message or comment.

RYL chat I

CrankyPants: wb Blue
Grrr.... left the room. (Going to 1. Completely General)
sari: yeah he is
bluemoon: ty cranky
Grrr.... joined the room.
fourinone left the room. (Logged out)
sari: is it a schoolnight today?
mew90 it's wednesday
CrankyPants: yup
nolovecansaveme: yup, but a snowday for him tomorrow most like
nolovecansaveme: likely*
CrankyPants: yup
CrankyPants: lol
CrankyPants: I want a snow day damnit
CrankyPants: when it snows
CrankyPants: my days just get longer
CrankyPants: and far more annoying
nolovecansaveme: i get a snowday tomorrow :)
sari: tahnk you very much cranky pants, yuo have been very helpful
CrankyPants: no worries
CrankyPants: everyone will here too
CrankyPants: not I
CrankyPants: for I must ensure people have oxygen lol
nolovecansaveme: saving lives > snowday?
sari: lol
CrankyPants: yea
CrankyPants: but snowdays are more fun
CrankyPants: and it's not like I'm an EMY
CrankyPants: EMT lol
sari: i want lemon cookies
nolovecansaveme: snow days are way more fun haha so sorry to hear you wont be able to enjoy it
CrankyPants: work will be slow, not that I do much there anyway
sari: lol
sari: what do you do there?
CrankyPants: paperwork
Grrr....: paperwork is fun.
CrankyPants: and glorified babysitting of adults
sari: i wanna do paperwork
CrankyPants: lol
CrankyPants: yea it's what everyone wants to grow up and do
CrankyPants: ;)
sari: lol
sari: lol
sari: lol
Grrr....: I used to do paperwork at my old job, then my boss decided he couldnt afford to pay me anymore and fired me... =(
CrankyPants: Sorry Grrr
keladry: that's being laid off, it sounds better
Grrr....: its fine. Ill deal...
sari: i prefer paperwork than annoying customers
CrankyPants: I likely would have been fired by now, if I wasn't family
CrankyPants: I get annoying customers too lol
CrankyPants: wear many hats
CrankyPants: but I agree
Grrr....: I had annoying customers also... like the lady who paid me once in all one dollar bills...
CrankyPants: I'd rather paper then people often
CrankyPants: LOL
keladry: why is it so hard to become motivated to take a shower?
sari: lololololol
Grrr....: keladry: because it means you have to get up, and off the computer.
sari: because filth rocks
nolovecansaveme: keladry: idk but i often think the same thing! haha
CrankyPants: i like my showers
nolovecansaveme: mmm filth
sari: i like vanilla shampooo
keladry: i like showering too but i don't want to take them
CrankyPants: lol
keladry: though to be honest i don't want to do much of anything sooo
sari: who here likes maths as a subject?
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Entropy: sari: im doing a maths degree
CrankyPants: bless you
sari: lololol
nolovecansaveme: ew..math
Grrr....: Math makes me want to puke.
sari: what will you do with it entropy?
lilmissjay: i was awful at math
CrankyPants: I'm stuck on division, numbers and I don't mix
Grrr....: sorry, that was worded badly.
CrankyPants: ll
CrankyPants: o
Grrr....: it wasnt literal.
Papillion: agrees with both grrr and jay lol
Entropy: sari: not sure, maybe actuary
keladry: math is wonderful!!!!
Entropy: stats/insurance
nolovecansaveme: VOM
Entropy: maybe just business
keladry: no i am sure you love it too
keladry: there is a type of math for everyone seriously
Entropy: maybe i'll be an artist
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Entropy: I like numbers, so the degree is horrible
keladry: I am positive you just never were taught it well enough if you don't like, you would if you found your math you really would
keladry: i want to teach math someday hahahahahaha
sari: oh you dont like the reasoning itself entropy?
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nolovecansaveme: keladry: gooodluck! haha
Papillion: wb
bluemoon: wb cranky
CrankyPants: thanks
CrankyPants: wrong button
sari: entropy, how come some people are so good at math if we all have the same crappy teachers?
mew90 It's not that some people aren't taught well enough
mew90 some people are better at math and science
mew90 others are better at english, reading, history, etc.
nolovecansaveme: i love science :)
keladry: some are BUT there really are different types of mathematics
keladry: which is why some countries abbreviate it as maths
Papillion: im good at science but suck at maths
Grrr....: i think some people are just more inclined to do well in math, and then other people, like me, are destined to find someone else to do their taxes for them, and find someone else to balance their check books, and all that stuff...
keladry: like algebra gemotery, discrete, calculus
nolovecansaveme: Papillion: same here
Grrr....: than* not then.. sorry.
Grrr....: nope.. nvm.. sorry.
keladry: i would agree that there are different types of intelligences
mew90 being good at science doesn't mean you'll be good at math, jsut sorta in the same are
mew90 a
CrankyPants: night guys
CrankyPants: be safe
nolovecansaveme: night
Papillion: night hun x
CrankyPants: brain coooooked
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keladry: but different types of math use different skills and mindsets someone who is good at algebra might not be great at triginometry and often pople who are good at math struggle with discrete mathermatics
sari: i just dont udnerstand why some people are better than others or uderstand easier than others
mew90 And then there's me who sucks at ALL math hahaha
nolovecansaveme: i like adding
mew90 I wasn't TOO bad at geometry thought
Grrr....: I just have an all around hate for math...
keladry: i really don't think you do! I am telling you
mew90 well yeah basic math I can do
Grrr....: I can add!
keladry: okay well this makes me sad. i could show you math and you would find something you liked, i just know it
Grrr....: adding is about it for me though...
mew90 I hate math too haha
keladry: adding is math! : ]
keladry: please don't say that
keladry: math loooooves you it really does and it is everywhere!
Grrr....: yeah, its the only thing in math I can do successfully...
keladry: well if you can add then you can subtract too : ]
sari: keladry, in general, when peopel are good at maths, they are good at everuthing that maths invloves, all types.
Grrr....: I dont think math is everywhere... Ik, Im in denial... let me stay there.
sari: even they like some kind of maths better
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sari: but they are good at everything in most cases
keladry: sari: not always! yeah its true that having problem solving skills helps and is necessary
keladry: but really as a math ed major
keladry: you are not going to convince me i am wrong about this
keladry: : ]
sari: i know, i was just saying that the people who are good at maths, are usually good at all the kind of maths
keladry: besides i think its incredibly prejudiced to say you hate something just because it's "math"
Grrr....: I blame the geometry teacher I had for my hatred of math....
keladry: well i'm good at math and i am not good at all kinds
sari: but better that most
keladry: i really struggle with discrete mathematics
sari: i would struggle much more
keladry: better than most?
nolovecansaveme: what are discrete maths?
keladry: so what?
keladry: its not about that
sari: maybe it doesnt come as easy to you as other kind of maths
sari: but you are still good at it
Grrr....: 1+1=2! :)
keladry: i'm better at most every other academic endevour than i am discrete mathematics
sari: you are better than i am
keladry: so what?
keladry: its not about me versus you
keladry: i really don't understand this line of reasoning
sari: i know
sari: i was just saying
sari: that
Entropy: i dont mind discrete
nolovecansaveme: i really just dont use math other than the basics
keladry: oh piffle even the basics....
Entropy: i dislike markov chains very much
keladry: its more complex than you think! its amazing i took a sturctures of elementary mathematics and was amazed at how complicated things like place value are
Grrr....: I think my brain is imploding... so much math...
nolovecansaveme: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, headache. bedtime. eff math. the end. hahah
sari: all i know that people who like solving the problems and equations are also very good at numbers too
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keladry: i don't like anything that is stats : p just kidding, kind offf
mew90 stats is HELL
Entropy: yeah i couldnt possibly explain what happens to maths when you do it at an advanced level
keladry: you are wrong. i know that for a fact. i know people who love math but are not good with numbers
Entropy: stats is beautiful
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Entropy: and, im good at numbers and hate most maths
keladry: anyway, i am not going to argue with you anymore.
sari: well, most people relate math to just numbers
sockey: does anyone know how to find the baking thread?
sari: entropy im not trying to argue...
keladry: well im not most people and you can love soemthing that you are not good at
mew90 Stats is like murder on your brain
Entropy: sari: no, they dont and i never said anything about arguing
mew90 It's not a matter of anyone being wong
mew90 wrong*
Grrr....: Math is like murder on my brain....
mew90 these are all our OPINIONS
mew90 no one is WRONG
sari: i actually find this topic very intersting
sockey: how will i find the baking thread... anyone??
Entropy: these opinions is where we are failing, maths isnt based on opinion just fact
sari: sorry entropy
mew90 true
keladry: I need to shower
mew90 but our opinions aren't about how math is DONE
Entropy: it doesnt make a very interesting debate at a dinner party trust me
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mew90 it's what we think ABOUT math
keladry: i really think the main issue is that when we speak in absolutes we are almost amlways wrong
mew90 so, no one is RIGHT or WRONG
mew90 it's just our THOUGHTS on the subject
keladry: you can have a wrong opinion. to say you hate all of most anything is usually wrong
Entropy: the capitals are annoying
sari: the thing is that when iwas little and learning to add and stuff with numbers
sari: i wasnt good at it
sari: so everyone
sari: said i wasnt good at maths
mew90 the capitals are to stress my point
sari: it traumatized me
keladry: when children play with pegs that fit in different holes that is math too
Entropy: yeah but im not stupid mew i do understand your point
Entropy: i wasnt saying what you think i was saying
sari: since i wasnt good with numbers, evryone said i wasnt good at maths
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sari: it was very traumatizing
sari: i thought i wasnt smart enough
keladry: anyway. try not to speak in absolutes, if you would, and you can have more civil discourse in the future, for serious :P
Grrr....: See, I dont think math is all that absolute, cuz I do certain things with math, and then people look at me and tell me I'm wrong, and I'm like, 'but I did the problem?!' and they are like, 'but its wrong', and I'm like 'If its wrong, I shouldnt have been able to finish it'
sari: to do maths
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keladry: and i absolutely must shower or the people i am seeing will smell me and not in a good way
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sari: entropy i was telling you mys tory
Entropy: i'm simply saying that maths is such an immensely complex thing that most people actually dont have a clue about really, i mean the amount of maths i know is tiny compared to what is out there but HUGE compared with the average 19 year old
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Entropy: sari: i was reading your story :)
sari: oh
sari: ok you then
Grrr....: I just have an issue with math... Maybe thats cuz idk what I'm doing tho..
Entropy: i understand why you struggle with maths and feel that way
sari: they didnt care if i was able to learn to think or reason properly
Entropy: lol once my housemate said in all seriousness "am i the olny one here who enjoys a good maths debate..."
sari: they cared i didnt add quicky in my head
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Grrr....: Math has traumatised me in a way... I remember being little and having my teacher yell at me until I cried because I couldnt multiply past my 4's times tables...
Entropy left the room. (Logged out)
sari: i was talking to entropy, she left
sari: how disrespectful
Papillion: prob got DCd
Grrr....: Maybe they just had to go? or what pap said.
mew90 The rest of us can still listen and talk with you
sari: maybe
sari: i know
sari: btu since she was the math student
sari: i felt she had this big opinion
sari: supported byt her studies
Papillion: imma go, was fun watching your debate :) tc all x
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Grrr....: was Entrophy a she or a he? cuz idk, and I'd feel bad if I called them a he and they were actually a she or vise versa...
sari: lol
sari: i dont really know
sari: lets take a guess
sari: i vote for a she
mew90 Grrr....: HAH!
Grrr....: I think it was a he.
sari: lolololol
sari: mmmm
sari: 10 dollars to the winner
sari: paypal
Grrr....: what do you think Mew? a He or a She?
mew90 Um
Grrr....: sari: 1) I dont have a paypal and 2) I dont bet. sorry.
sari: just kidding Grrr!
mew90 I kinda got the drift it was a boy? haha
mew90 I was thinking boy
mew90 but it coulda been a girl too I guess
Grrr....: sari: oh... okay... sorry, im really out of it today.. haha.
sari: lolol
Grrr....: I got a guy vibe from them, but idk...
sari: its ok Grr, i was only joking


-TO BE CONTINUED-

RYL.

I've been hanging in the chat room of RYL a lot lately. I've met a lot of people worse off than what I am, and hopefully helped a few people by talking to them. I guess you can't ever really know if you do or not.

One person said, "When does it go away?"
And I responded, "Never. It never stops. You will always have the urge. You will always have to fight it. The difference is, you become strong enough to overcome it."